This is probably one of the harder posts to write.  Today was my beta blood test, which is when the clinic takes a sample of blood and tests it for HcG-the hormone you produce when pregnant.  We are now 14 days past the transfer, so those embryos should have dug in and given the body the signal to produce HcG by now.  The nurse called today at around 3pm to let me know my Hcg test was negative and that I was not pregnant.  Our first IVF cycle is officially a bust.

Now I have had a little time to prepare for this devastating news.  I started taking home pregnancy tests (the most sensitive kind) about 6 days ago-just to see.  Some people do not do this, but I am not one of those people.  I am by nature impatient and need to adjust to news a dose at a time.  There is NO WAY I could have hoped this whole time, sat around today waiting for the call, and THEN have a nurse tell me negative for the first time.  I cannot fathom how people do that!  More power to ’em.  Needless to say, each home test came up negative.  I knew I was testing a little early, but as more time passed, I was able to bear the thought that this truly might not have worked (while secretly hoping I would see that second line the next time I got the guts to take one).  So today more confirmed what I already knew-but it still was not easy news to get.

Its hard not to get bogged down in why this didn’t work-or more starkly-why don’t I work/why is this happening to us.  IVF isn’t a sure thing…its a gamble and sometimes that house has to win.  I knew going in it only has a little over a 60% success rate…but I REALLY wanted us to be in that 60%.  I believed in my heart we would be.  But, alas, that was not to be.

So what now……We pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and keep fighting forward.  I will not pretend that I am not weary of all this.  Sometimes I wonder about just jumping this particular track and starting a new track…a new life’s dream.  Like sailing around the world for a few years with my husband, or dragging him to Africa with me to live in the wild and try to save the gorillas or something.  But I don’t think I have lost all my will just yet.  This is something we truly want…and the best of things are worth the fight.  I believe that we will get through this and come out on the end grateful that we stuck this out-that we kept trying.  But MAN, I can’t imagine going through another medicated cycle right now!

On a positive note-no more NEEDLES..no more SHOTS…no more WAITING FOR NEWS…On the negative…got about 10 pounds I need to run off.  4x the hormones and limited to no physical activity for a month (plus those dang Girl Scouts) have really done a number on me.  So I’ll start there…have a cry (one of those frustrated ones where you pound your fist on the bed)….take a deep breath…eat a big fat cheeseburger/drink a big cup of coffee…..then regroup!

In the meantime,  I got my eye on those snow baby prize fighters I was telling you about.  Two 6 day blastocysts (way more further developed than my 2 3days that were transfered) are waiting in the wings (or the freezer) for whenever we are ready to do a Frozen Embryo Trasfer (FET).  I am going to take a month off and then get back to business.  When we first started this IVF process, my husband and I each wrote down our predictions on how many cycles (fresh and frozen) it would take for us to get pregnant.  Turns out we both picked our first FET.  All in all, I’d say its a decent bet…..