So…This blog has been quiet for awhile, but I recently started feeling drawn to continue the story. Over the summer, My husband and I underwent a FET, or Frozen Embryo Transfer, with our two remaining frozen embryos, or snowbaby prize fighters as we fondly called them.  All in all, the FET process was much less stressful than the traditional IVF cycle.  No two weeks of shots and ultrasounds.  No phone call anxiety each day as I wait for messages such as “Your estrogen isn’t high enough-we may have to cancel!”  or “Your estrogen is TOO high-we may have to cancel” or the myriad of mini-crises that happen day in and day out.  Essentially, during a FET cycle, you take some pills to enhance your lining and prevent ovulation.  Once enough time has passed and everything looks hunkie-dorie, you prepare to go into the office for the procedure, and your embryos are thawed.  Now this is the one point where it is a stressful waiting game.  Not all embryos that are thawed survive.  Some data suggests that roughly 60% of embryos survive the unfreezing process and continue to thrive.  We had two-so I was expected to hear the news that only one (or, God forbid, none) had survived.  However, we were elated when the embryologist called and said “Come on in!  Both little guys made it!”.  From this point the procedure is basically the same as a normal IVF.  You go in, the embryos are placed back in the uterus, and you go home to brave the 2 week wait.

While my fertility doctor has you return for your first pregnancy test, which measures HCG in the blood, two weeks after transfer, you often start to register positive on a pregnancy test 5-9 days after the transfer.  Of course, I couldn’t wait the entire two weeks (More on the crack that is commonly referred to as Peeing on a Stick, or POAS, later).  I began to register positive on pregnancy tests about 6 days after the transfer.  Needless to say, the first time I saw that +, I nearly went through the roof.  My soul sang with the knowledge that our journey was FINALLY over! We were PREGNANT.  I had waited 3 years to say that, so long that I could barely say it and have it register as the truth. “Pregnant” had been this word we had longed to be, a symbol of our life moving forward, the end of a long, hard fight for our dream of family.  Now this little + mark was ushering in all the possibilities of something we had secretly begun to think impossible.  I think I knelt on the bathroom floor for awhile repeating “We finally did it, its finally over”  over and over again.  I crept up behind my husband and handed him the test.  He turned white as a ghost and stared at me, unblinking, for what felt like forever.  I think he asked me if this was real, or was I playing a joke on him.  Then a brilliant smile lit his face and I knew his mind was echoing my own racing thoughts…We finally did it…It is over….We are having a BABY …..This is REALLY happening!…..

But….it was not to be.  See, nobody told my there was an “almost” option.  I always thought once we got that YES- we were done.  + pregnancy test + 9 months=baby.  But life is never as elegantly simple as math.  There are no rules, no certainties, no absolutes.  As the days went on, that + on each test we took began to grow lighter and lighter.  We remained positive and hopeful with each other, but in my private reflections I knew that test lines getting lighter and lighter translated to less and less HCG hormone in my system-no matter what the the box said, or the internet said, or the  Clearblue company helpline said (Yes-it got just a little crazy around here for a while). By the time my actual blood test came around, that hot pink neon line had faded to the point where I had to twist the test in the light to make sure it was there.  Sure enough, my first HCG test came back at 60.  It should have been in the 1000s by this point.  The nurse had that cautious tone in her voice.  She said, “Well, you were definitely pregnant at some point, and may still be, but I wouldn’t hold out hope or tell your family-come back in two days”.  That test came back at 30, and I was officially declared as having a Chemical Pregnancy.  A chemical pregnancy is when the embryo implants long enough for the body to produce HCG, but a miscarriage happens very early on. Today’s home tests are so sensitive that they can pick up these trace amounts of HCG, whereas in the past you may never have even known that you were technically pregnant then miscarried.  So in the end, I guess you could say I was “almost” or “kinda” pregnant, at least for a little while.

I will not lie, it all felt like some sort of cruel joke.  Like being handed something precious and having it ripped away-I would dare to say that hurts worse than never having it at all.  We mourned, flailed our fists, did all the things you do to put bad experiences behind you- but in the end, my husband and I are who we are- we don’t give up, we keep moving forward, we find the will, and we try again.  And so it begins again….on to another fresh IVF cycle….stay tuned….