Category Archives: IVF Success

Another Roll of the Dice

02 Wednesday Sep 2015

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Well its been a long time…..

Back in May, we decided to try one last time to get pregnant.  After our successful IVF in 2012 that resulted in our son, we had 6 embryos left to freeze.  Two were implanted in January 2015 and resulted in a blighted ovum (A story for another day).  After a break of a few months,we decided to try with our last three embryos.  I knew this would be, one way or another, the end of our long journey with infertility.  In many ways, I welcomed that end-whether we were blessed with another child or not.  I was tired.  I was weary.  I was ready to move past this and continue to enjoy the amazing life and gifts I had been given.  We had tried 4 times with 8 embryos.  One IVF had failed, the following Frozen Embryo Transfer had resulted in a chemical pregnancy, the second IVF in our miracle of a son, and the fourth had resulted in a miscarriage at 6 weeks due to a blighted ovum. After the miscarriage in January, I wasn’t too hopeful that this last try would be a success, yet I wanted to see this through to the end.  I wanted to give our family the chance to grow, to experience the joy of having another child.  So I dug down deep, found that spark of hope and began again.

Well, it is with great joy that I write today that we are 20 weeks pregnant.  We found out recently that we are having a girl.  Joy abounds!!!  It has not been easy.  There were multiple times during the first trimester that we though we had lost her, yet she is seemingly healthy and thriving!  I have had everything from low betas, heavy bleeding, the miscarriage of a twin, massive blood clots, measuring behind……but she has come out the other side a fighter, a survivor, and I can’t wait for her to be a part of our family.

I know people experiencing infertility stumble upon my blog from time to time.  I am hoping to write entries about all the milieu of things that happened during this try.  I hope that someone can find hope, comfort, and/or information to help them along their journey.  Stories such as these were a comfort to me during my darkest hours, and I hope my story can somehow offer that sort of warm light in the dark for people still going through infertility.  There is life on the other side…….

FlashBack 11/15/2012: 6weeks 1 day: Hearts all a flutter

08 Thursday May 2014

Posted by in Infertility, IVF Success, Our Story, Pregnancy, Uncategorized

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*I wrote this entry when I was pregnant but was too scared to post.  Going back and reading brought such a feeling of joy that I wanted to share*

So today was our first ultrasound at 6 weeks and 1 day or 24 days past our 5 day transfer.  The wait was torture.  Not quite as bad as beta hell week, but torture all the same.  This process really should come with a disclaimer…”You may think that when you get this news you are all set, but each milestone is just a hurdle on your way to the next milestone—-you never feel out of the woods.  Oh, and by the way, time will sloooowwwww down between each of these milestones to the points where minutes feel like hours. Have fun!”  But time passed as it inevitably does, and we finally found ourselves in the ultrasound room with our Dr. at about 11:30 am.

As he was preparing his “magic ultrasound wand” , a million catastrophes ran through my frazzled mind.  He is going to see nothing….he is going to see a sac but no baby ( For some reason I cannot use the word fetus)….going to see a baby, but it will be too small…there are going to be 15 of them.  There was this awful 30 seconds where he found the sac (a dark blob on the ultrasound), but could not find anything inside it. I heard him say, “We should be seeing something right around in here.”  I closed my eyes and braced for the bad news.  Us infertility girls are the masters of receiving bad news-at this point it is a part of our identity. We have been steeling ourselves against the news of failure and loss since the beginning of our infertility journeys. So there I was, gritting my teeth and scrunching my eyes against the inevitable loss that I knew was coming…with that 30 seconds spinning out into what felt like an eternity…when the Dr. said, “Ahh…here we go…There it is”.  I felt like a white hot explosion happened somewhere deep in my brain.  Surprise? Joy?  Disbelief that this could be real?  All I can say is that I will never forget the way that moment felt as I opened my eyes.   My husband grinning at the screen (which of course I couldn’t see) exclaiming, “That is so awesome!”-the doctor and nurses smiling and laughing-everyone lit up by the bright, white glow of the ultrasound image.  Did I mention still couldn’t see the screen?  I reached up and the nurse helped me turn the screen to face me.  And there you were….a little fluttering dancing ball of light.  The fluttering was your little heartbeat.  I felt my heart start to flutter with yours.  We were so blessed to get to see that. A lot of people don’t see the heartbeat till much later…AND you were measuring 1 day ahead.  Ultimately, it could not have gone any better.  You are 4.98 mm.  You are strong and growing.   You are in this world.   And your dad and I are the happiest we have ever been.  I am writing to you now because I saw you,  you are here, you are real,  and you are absolutely and utterly amazing.

Reflections on my 8 month old!

25 Friday Apr 2014

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Who knew that this would be such a fun age!  I have watched my little bundle of sleeping, eating, and crying start to grow into this amazing little human right in front of my eyes.  His little personality -or should I say BIG personality- is starting to really shine through, and it is a miracle to watch.  Here are some things about Tobie…

1)  He has the most amazing laugh I have ever heard.  If I could bottle it and give it to the world, the world would have no choice but to smile back.  It is a throw-your-head-back belly laugh that crinkles with mischief.  It is my favorite thing in the whole world.  The first thing that ever made him laugh was blowing zerberts on his tummy.  My husband and I had such a surprised reaction when we heard it, that he immediately started crying :).  Since then, the word “Icky” seem to make him fall into hysterics, throwing trash in the trash can, spitting a small rubber toy in his face, telling the dog to do anything, and singing Pop goes the Weasel.  Ohhh…and anytime Mommy says “No”…that seems to be just the funniest thing in the world!  I know…I’m in for it!  But whenever it happens, it is beautiful.  I basically spend my day trying to see what will bring that laugh and toothy grin about.  Tobie is also funny.  He tries to make you laugh with faces or the ever famous pull your hair game.  He also thinks it is hilarious to open his mouth and bounce his face up and down on your belly making popping noises.

2)  He is determined. His dad says he gets this from me.  He is curious.  I say he gets this from his dad.  Determined to explore, to crawl, to stand…to stand with toys in each hand.  I can tell he will be an explorer, a discoverer, an inquisitive soul. He is most happy with a box of previously unexplored items.  Each item is picked up, turned over and examined, and then tossed vehemently to the ground to empty his hands for the next object.

3)  He is intense…Tobie takes things seriously.  Funny things do not just elicit a giggle…the elicit a head thrown back belly laugh.  He is not a baby who will “quietly cry it out” .  If he is upset, you will know it…and to ignore it will only result in more determination to have his feelings known. He fights sleep, wanting to continue his mastering of standing and opening his favorite toy boxes…until he finally winds down like a motor…sounds and all.   He is silly at home but when out in public he “drinks it all in” with a serious little look on his face.  I have had more than one cashier (more like a million) remark at how serious, how intense, or what an old soul he was.  I think his wheels are always turning.

4) He loves to interact…with the world, with the people around him.  If taken into a group where people are sitting in a circle, he will immediately crawl to the middle, plop down, and just soak it all in.  He loves to watch people talk and mull over what their face is doing.

5)  He is a sweet, loving amazing kid.  The minute his eyes open in the morning and he sees his Mom and Dad, his face breaks into a sleepy smile.  And in precious, rare moments where all his energy has run out, he sighs and rests his head on your shoulder.  He tries to share is snacks with you and brings stuffed animals over for you to hold.  He instinctively bops to the beat of music and loves to sing songs (or at least listen to songs being sung).  He fearlessly crawls all over our 100 lb German Shepherd, pulling ears and fur in the midst of sloppy kisses.

The world is a new and beautiful place for him, and through him our world is a new and beautiful place.

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Buddies

The Things I will miss…..Written when I was 8 months pregnant back in June 2013

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

Posted by in IVF Success, Our Story, Parenthood, Pregnancy, Uncategorized

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1)  How every rose had its own unique smell early in my pregnancy….it was beautiful and gave me a whole new perception of the world around me.  That was one of the first signs I knew I was pregnant.  Smell.  The smell of metal in your dad’s garage.  I could smell it from the back bedroom.

2)  How everyone wanted to give me or make me food…Growing a baby really does take a village and I loved how everyone wanted to care for us in their own way!

3)  Long, hot showers.  I know I will still have these, but I don’t think they will ever hold the same value as they did while I was pregnant.  It was one of the few things that made me feel better.  Sometimes three a day!  I think you must have liked the sound of the water.  It became our family hang out place.  Ubie, me and the dogs would just hang out in the bathroom and talk.

4) How much I loved Peanut Butter, Orange Juice, oranges, Milk, and Lemon Vinaigrette Dressing, and Zoe’s Greek Salads.  Gyros, garlic, and pork were a no fly zone however.

5)  How your daddy called me his Beluga Whale, because that is the cutest whale- but I think that one is going to stick around.  He was the best pregnancy husband ever-caring, considerate, comforting, and more than willing to get me anything I even thought to need, no matter what time of night.

6)  How he would talk to you through my stomach. I’m going to miss talking to you too.  Talking to you was like sharing secrets with a childhood best friend.  Only we got it.  You would tumble around when I would laugh.  I’d like to think you were laughing with me!

7)  My vivid dreams!  So real I would wake up and feel like I had gotten to have adventures with old friends and old places- lions in Africa, long walks on white sandy beaches, mischief in high school…too cool.

8) Feeling you flutter around for the first time.   I was sitting at my desk at work.  Of course, I thought I was imagining things.  Now, at 8 months, there is no denying it!  The little flutters have turned into kicks, twists and ripples.  I am  still amazed by what our bodies are able to do.

9)  This long, lustrous, shiny hair and glowing skin!  Somebody should bottle this magic!

10) Listening to your heartbeat on our fetal heart rate monitor.  In the beginning, I would try for hours to find it.  There it would be-this fluttering hummingbird of a heart beat.  Just a whisper amongst all the wooshing inside me.  Now, no matter where I put the wand, your heartbeat is there.  Strong and vital.  The heart rate monitor brought comfort to me many a long night between OB visits.

11) Being a “we”.  For the past 8 months, I have not been a me, I have been a we.  I am going to miss that.  We have been partners on this great adventure and shared this space together.  Caring for you, protecting you,  has been in my every thought.  For this one little snippet of my life, I get to be part of this miracle.  To be not only myself, but also part of something much greater.  Life.  We are truly amazing.

Over the Moon

07 Friday Feb 2014

Posted by in Infertility, IVF Success, Our Story, Parenthood, Pregnancy

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Words do not really work in times like these.  So much has happened over the past year that it intimidates me to try to capture it all.  There are a million tiny stories wrapped up in the bigger one, but I am ready to start capturing these new moments.  So here we go….4 little words sum it up….

WE HAVE A SON!

I can not express what it means to be able to type these 4 little words.  I reread this blog today and felt the pain, and anguish, and determination of the heart who wrote them all over again.  These 4 little words represent everything we fought so hard for.   They represent joy, hope and life!  They represent the end of one of the darkest chapters of my life and the beginning of a  blazingly bright one. Rereading this blog was painful…yet cathartic.  I just want to go back and hug the woman who wrote these words-that determined version of me- and tell her to hang in there, that wonderful things are on the horizon, that it is all going to be SOOOOO worth it (She would probably want to slap me 😉 ).  I am also so proud of her for having the strength to keep going, because now we get to have the most amazing gift…

WE HAVE A SON!

He is an amazing, determined, curious, loving little 6 month old, and I never imagined I could love something so much!.  We is worth, beyond measure, every day of those long 5 years we fought for him to get here.  I want to write all about his story-from the IVF cycle to his birth, but for now I will end with those 4 little words that have forever changed our life…

We have a son….and we are over the moon with joy.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!