Category Archives: Our Story

FlashBack 11/15/2012: 6weeks 1 day: Hearts all a flutter

08 Thursday May 2014

Posted by in Infertility, IVF Success, Our Story, Pregnancy, Uncategorized

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*I wrote this entry when I was pregnant but was too scared to post.  Going back and reading brought such a feeling of joy that I wanted to share*

So today was our first ultrasound at 6 weeks and 1 day or 24 days past our 5 day transfer.  The wait was torture.  Not quite as bad as beta hell week, but torture all the same.  This process really should come with a disclaimer…”You may think that when you get this news you are all set, but each milestone is just a hurdle on your way to the next milestone—-you never feel out of the woods.  Oh, and by the way, time will sloooowwwww down between each of these milestones to the points where minutes feel like hours. Have fun!”  But time passed as it inevitably does, and we finally found ourselves in the ultrasound room with our Dr. at about 11:30 am.

As he was preparing his “magic ultrasound wand” , a million catastrophes ran through my frazzled mind.  He is going to see nothing….he is going to see a sac but no baby ( For some reason I cannot use the word fetus)….going to see a baby, but it will be too small…there are going to be 15 of them.  There was this awful 30 seconds where he found the sac (a dark blob on the ultrasound), but could not find anything inside it. I heard him say, “We should be seeing something right around in here.”  I closed my eyes and braced for the bad news.  Us infertility girls are the masters of receiving bad news-at this point it is a part of our identity. We have been steeling ourselves against the news of failure and loss since the beginning of our infertility journeys. So there I was, gritting my teeth and scrunching my eyes against the inevitable loss that I knew was coming…with that 30 seconds spinning out into what felt like an eternity…when the Dr. said, “Ahh…here we go…There it is”.  I felt like a white hot explosion happened somewhere deep in my brain.  Surprise? Joy?  Disbelief that this could be real?  All I can say is that I will never forget the way that moment felt as I opened my eyes.   My husband grinning at the screen (which of course I couldn’t see) exclaiming, “That is so awesome!”-the doctor and nurses smiling and laughing-everyone lit up by the bright, white glow of the ultrasound image.  Did I mention still couldn’t see the screen?  I reached up and the nurse helped me turn the screen to face me.  And there you were….a little fluttering dancing ball of light.  The fluttering was your little heartbeat.  I felt my heart start to flutter with yours.  We were so blessed to get to see that. A lot of people don’t see the heartbeat till much later…AND you were measuring 1 day ahead.  Ultimately, it could not have gone any better.  You are 4.98 mm.  You are strong and growing.   You are in this world.   And your dad and I are the happiest we have ever been.  I am writing to you now because I saw you,  you are here, you are real,  and you are absolutely and utterly amazing.

Saltwater Taffy: The Saline Ultrasound

07 Wednesday May 2014

Posted by in Infertility, IVF, Procedures, Round 2, Tests

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So yesterday it began. What I like to call the “prep” phase. Like I said before, I was feeling a little anxiety about hopping on this ride again.  My last experience with this procedure was pretty painful.  Not as painful as the uterine biopsy– (That was more painful than birth), but painful all the same. However, the saline ultrasound, or sonohysterography as it is sometimes called, is an important step in determining infertility issues.  Here is a little background…*disclaimer:  The following is by no means intended to be medical advice and is solely intended to reflect my own experience and understanding.  You own experience may be different due to the advice and policies of your medical team*

The saline ultrasound generally takes about 3-10 minutes once it gets going.  You, of course, assume the position on the chair with the stirrups.  A speculum is inserted, which is the same instrument used in a PAP smear.  A catheter is then inserted into the cervical opening into the uterus, and a small amount of sterile saline (saltwater) solution injected into the uterus.  This will outline and highlight all the amazing stuff going on in there.  From there, an wand ultrasound is inserted and the doctor will examine all such amazing stuff, photograph it via the ultrasound machine, and give you the “what haps” on what he sees.  Here is a little diagram….

The purpose of the saline ultrasound is to determine if there are any polyps, fibroids, scarring or endometrium issues within the uterus.  It detects issues that generally cannot be seen with a traditional ultrasound.  Here are two examples  of the types of images produced by a saline ultrasound. The photo to the right shows the uterus before being blown up by the saline, and after the saline is injected (The black mass in the center).  This is what the results will look like for a normal, healthy saline ultrasound.  The photo to the right shows abnormal results with arrow A pointing to a large polyp, B is the Saline, and C is the wall of the uterus.

uter-hysterosono-norm[1]               uter-hysterosono-polyp[1]

You can see how a polyp might impede implantation!

So many people ask, “Is it painful?” This is a challenging question for me to answer. I remember the first one I had a few years ago being pretty painful…like a 7 out of 10. This was mostly due to the speculum, cramping and catheter insertion. Speculums have always been pinchy for me, but others have now problem with speculums. My procedure yesterday can only be described as moderately uncomfortable and was over in like 2 minutes. Yay!!! I think the experience is different for everyone, but it is an invaluable tool in helping to pinpoint your fertility issue.

So the good news is:  My ultrasound came back amazing!  My doc’s word were, “Everything looks perfect!”  Well hot dang…..

Gambler’s Anonymous

01 Thursday May 2014

Posted by in FET, Infertility, Our Story, Round 2

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So for those of you who need a recap, our 4 year journey with infertility ended last July with the birth of our amazing son.  I always tell people that he is a product of hope, love, faith, and science.  In October of 2012, we did one last IVF cycle.  I must admit, I was done.  After 1 failed 3 failed IUIs, 1 failed Fresh IVF, and 1 chemical miscarriage after an FET– I really was just going through the motions.  Our clinic, NCCRM (which I love), offered a significant discount up front if you payed for multiple cycles.  We chose to prepay for two.  Although going into the last IVF I put on a hopeful smile, a hidden inner me had begun to accept that children were just not in the cards for my husband and I.  That IVF cycle went perfectly- 12 eggs retrieved…10 fertilized…and 8 made it to grade A 5 day blasts.  I attribute this significant improvement to acupuncture and diet, but I will go into that more another day.  Two were transferred and 6 were frozen.  And after years of waiting…we finally had a successful pregnancy.  Now my son is approaching a year old.  It has been a whirlwind! We have loved every minute of it.  Finally coming up for air, we recognize that those 6 embryos are still there..waiting….Dare we roll the dice again with an FET?  Absolutely!

Next week we will slowly start to delve into the process.  Slowly.  I am going in for a saline ultrasound to check for polyps and such.  Booooo.  I must admit, walking into the clinic to have our first consultation was like walking into a past war zone for me.  Can I really do this again?  All the nurses smiled, called hellos, and cooed to the baby.  The Dr.  talked about how promising our chances were and laid out the potential schedule.  All I could see ahead was blood draws, probes, 2 week wait anxiety, and potential heart ache.  But then I looked at my son playing with fistfuls of brochures and thought, “It was worth every painful moment and then some!  Lets go for it!”.  So here we are…brave faced ready for probing 😉

I will try to blog more often during this experience as a lot of readers have reached out wanting a better understanding of the process.  Maybe we will be double blessed and our family will grow.  If not,  I am forever grateful and joyous to have this adventure of life with my husband and son!!!!

The Things I will miss…..Written when I was 8 months pregnant back in June 2013

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

Posted by in IVF Success, Our Story, Parenthood, Pregnancy, Uncategorized

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1)  How every rose had its own unique smell early in my pregnancy….it was beautiful and gave me a whole new perception of the world around me.  That was one of the first signs I knew I was pregnant.  Smell.  The smell of metal in your dad’s garage.  I could smell it from the back bedroom.

2)  How everyone wanted to give me or make me food…Growing a baby really does take a village and I loved how everyone wanted to care for us in their own way!

3)  Long, hot showers.  I know I will still have these, but I don’t think they will ever hold the same value as they did while I was pregnant.  It was one of the few things that made me feel better.  Sometimes three a day!  I think you must have liked the sound of the water.  It became our family hang out place.  Ubie, me and the dogs would just hang out in the bathroom and talk.

4) How much I loved Peanut Butter, Orange Juice, oranges, Milk, and Lemon Vinaigrette Dressing, and Zoe’s Greek Salads.  Gyros, garlic, and pork were a no fly zone however.

5)  How your daddy called me his Beluga Whale, because that is the cutest whale- but I think that one is going to stick around.  He was the best pregnancy husband ever-caring, considerate, comforting, and more than willing to get me anything I even thought to need, no matter what time of night.

6)  How he would talk to you through my stomach. I’m going to miss talking to you too.  Talking to you was like sharing secrets with a childhood best friend.  Only we got it.  You would tumble around when I would laugh.  I’d like to think you were laughing with me!

7)  My vivid dreams!  So real I would wake up and feel like I had gotten to have adventures with old friends and old places- lions in Africa, long walks on white sandy beaches, mischief in high school…too cool.

8) Feeling you flutter around for the first time.   I was sitting at my desk at work.  Of course, I thought I was imagining things.  Now, at 8 months, there is no denying it!  The little flutters have turned into kicks, twists and ripples.  I am  still amazed by what our bodies are able to do.

9)  This long, lustrous, shiny hair and glowing skin!  Somebody should bottle this magic!

10) Listening to your heartbeat on our fetal heart rate monitor.  In the beginning, I would try for hours to find it.  There it would be-this fluttering hummingbird of a heart beat.  Just a whisper amongst all the wooshing inside me.  Now, no matter where I put the wand, your heartbeat is there.  Strong and vital.  The heart rate monitor brought comfort to me many a long night between OB visits.

11) Being a “we”.  For the past 8 months, I have not been a me, I have been a we.  I am going to miss that.  We have been partners on this great adventure and shared this space together.  Caring for you, protecting you,  has been in my every thought.  For this one little snippet of my life, I get to be part of this miracle.  To be not only myself, but also part of something much greater.  Life.  We are truly amazing.

Over the Moon

07 Friday Feb 2014

Posted by in Infertility, IVF Success, Our Story, Parenthood, Pregnancy

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Words do not really work in times like these.  So much has happened over the past year that it intimidates me to try to capture it all.  There are a million tiny stories wrapped up in the bigger one, but I am ready to start capturing these new moments.  So here we go….4 little words sum it up….

WE HAVE A SON!

I can not express what it means to be able to type these 4 little words.  I reread this blog today and felt the pain, and anguish, and determination of the heart who wrote them all over again.  These 4 little words represent everything we fought so hard for.   They represent joy, hope and life!  They represent the end of one of the darkest chapters of my life and the beginning of a  blazingly bright one. Rereading this blog was painful…yet cathartic.  I just want to go back and hug the woman who wrote these words-that determined version of me- and tell her to hang in there, that wonderful things are on the horizon, that it is all going to be SOOOOO worth it (She would probably want to slap me 😉 ).  I am also so proud of her for having the strength to keep going, because now we get to have the most amazing gift…

WE HAVE A SON!

He is an amazing, determined, curious, loving little 6 month old, and I never imagined I could love something so much!.  We is worth, beyond measure, every day of those long 5 years we fought for him to get here.  I want to write all about his story-from the IVF cycle to his birth, but for now I will end with those 4 little words that have forever changed our life…

We have a son….and we are over the moon with joy.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Through the Looking Glass…..Flashback to 2009

11 Saturday Feb 2012

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Ahhhh….I can still remember the day when we decided to have children.  We had tossed around the idea for about a year, but wanted to wait until life was more “settled’.  Is anything ever more “settled”?  My husband (29 at the time) was neck deep in his pursuit of a Ph.d. in Chemistry.  I (30 at the time) was forehead deep working full-time as a counselor and getting my Masters in Social Work.  Needless to say, we were busy-and worried we had too much on our plate to start a family.  Eventually though, the thought of adding a new addition, a little combo of us, began to materialize into a reality.  Around January 2009, we decided to make it happen.  We had it all planned out.  We would wait three months, get pregnant THAT month, and have our child about 2 months after I finished school.  Picture perfect! Easy Peasy!

Looking back,  I just want to snicker, pinch those rosy cheeks of our 2009 selves, buy them a strawberry ice cream cone, and permanently affix those rose colored glasses to their forehead.  Little did we know the uphill battle that lay before us…

*I would like to make a disclaimer here…This blog will not be for the “faint of heart”. I long ago became accustomed to all the gross, embarrassing terms that come with discussing infertility…. so as a blog reader, I want you to be prepared. So lets get it out now…sperm, sex, semen samples, cervical mucus, uturus,  testicles, spotting, peeing on a stick, and periods.  Go ahead…giggle, blush, and say, “Eww..that is soooo gross!”.  I sure did! But, as those of us going through infertility issues know, these terms soon become as commonplace and conversational as talking about the weekend forecast. This is about to get real people! But seriously, I’ll try to keep it at a minimum…..*

Around July 2009, we started to get the first inklings of insecurity and concern about this whole process.  We would joke about how society spends so much time when you are growing up teaching you how NOT to get pregnant-that when you finally start trying, you don’t know how to do it right!  Everyone said, “Just relax!  It will happen when it is supposed to happen.  Stop trying–and I bet next month you will be pregnant!”  (All of these have since become phrases that make me want to pull my own eyelashes out when people say them, which they still do…ALL THE TIME!).  We purchased the LH strips, which test for a hormone surge that occurs right before ovulation.  We timed everything perfect.  I took basal body temperatures…checked cervical positions. We did it upside down, right side up, backwards, and tilted. Anything we could think of, and still…nothing.

Around February 2010, we started getting the battery of tests that come with determining infertility issues.  I initially came back perfect.  I had a normal length, regular cycle, was ovulating, and had no blocked tubes (so the initial dye test showed).  My husband tests came back showing  a low sperm count, around 10 million.  He was then diagnosed with a varicocele vein, which is a twisting of veins in the testicles that effects the flow of blood and damages sperm.  He underwent surgery to correct the issue in March 2010.  We tried for another 6 months with no success.  It was during this time where we began to truly face that having children might not be possible.

Eventually, we moved up the ladder to a fertility specialist in early 2011.  We tried Clomid cycles.  We tried two IUIs (Intrauterine Inseminations), one with ovarian stimulation and one without.  Negative!  My husband’s sperm count continued to decline.  We were ultimately, with a lot of research and tests, able to pin the decline on toxic metal exposure from his chemistry lab research.  Solution…Husband out of the lab., Ph.d on hold.  Just a little extra side of stress to go with our main course of stress! Changes in lifestyle and diet helped him detox the heavy  metals, and in the months to follow his count went from 4 million to 250 million (which is nearly unheard of)-with excellent  motility and morphology.  YIPEEE!!! PROGRESS!!! We celebrated this as a personal victory against the cosmos.  Yet still…months went by with no pregnancy. No one could find any issues with me, but I had this little voice in the back of my mind whispering that something was very wrong…..

Bills were starting to mount up.  This fertility mess can be EXPENSIVE-and our insurance didn’t cover anything in the “Assisted Reproduction” category.  Dejected, frustrated, and bordering on throwing in the proverbial towel, we decided to get one last opinion in October 2011 from a different fertility specialist recommended to us by a few close friends. It was here our journey took a new turn.  Within 2 weeks, the new specialist had pinpointed the issue.  After undergoing a surgical procedure called a laparoscopy (a small camera is inserted into an incision in bellybutton to get a look at the reproductive system), I was diagnosed with a unilateral hydrosalpinx.  I will go into further detail about this particular issue later, but ultimately a hydrosalpinx occurs when the distal end of the fallopian tube closes in on itself, preventing the egg from entering the tube after ovulation.  Also, the blocked end causes fluid to flow back into the uterus making it a toxic environment for embryos.  Therefore, even when I ovulated from the “good’ tube side the chances of getting pregnant were slim to none.  My new doctor immediately performed a salpingectomy, removing my left fallopian tube.  The right tube had a lot of scarring, which he cleared out the best he could.  At our post-surgery consult, he recommended moving straight to IVF in order to maximize our chances of conceiving.  After a lot of praying, scraping together of finances, and unconditional support from our loved ones….Here we are!  One tube…Rockin it out! IVF….Here we come!

Wow!  That was a long one…but I am actually impressed I was able to compress it down as much as I did.  I will go into much more detail about certain things in the future, but I have always believed knowing the  backstory is important.  You can never know where your going until you know where you’ve been…all that good stuff.  I look forward to the day where this chapter of our lives is behind us, where it all takes on that clouded looking-glass quality that comes with time and distance from heartache and worry.  Right now it feels so raw, so real.  Each day is consumed with it, this possibility of impossibility.  I try to breath…I believe we will come out on the other side of this stronger, closer, never taking for granted this miracle we call life.  I fix my mind on an image of us swinging on our back porch, watching our children play under the sycamore trees.  I will sip my sweet tea, squeeze my husband’s hand, wistfully smile, and say,”Remember those years where we thought they would never get here?…Well, look at us now.”  And that, my friends, is the beauty of hope……

About this Place

10 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by in Infertility, IVF, Our Story

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2/10/2012

Well…Here we are.  In the next few days my husband and I will begin our first IVF (In vitro fertilization) cycle. It has been a long journey to get here, and we are excited/nervous for this next step to begin.  In March, we will have been trying grow our little family for three years (More on the back story later!).  For those us going through struggles with fertility, we know this large increment of time, the year, becomes an abstract, nearly meaningless concept. For you I say…we have been trying for 36 cycles.  36 go-arounds on the rollercoaster of trying at all the right times, 36 two-week waits to get that “Positive”, 36 big, crushing “Negatives”, and then digging down deep to find the courage to start again the next month-36 times.

Our first IVF cycle will officially begin sometime during the next week.  I am starting this blog in order to help me process the experience (and give me something to do during that dreaded two-week wait for the results!), as well as a way to keep our friends and family updated on what is going on.  A part of me hopes that others going through this experience will somehow find their way here.  My wish is that it can be a source of comfort, camaraderie, humor, and information to them; as so many of their stories have been to me along the way.

So….Here we are, and here we go!

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